Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
