I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She swung at the pinata with crutches
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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