I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
