My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
