Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
