He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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