as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
