I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize