He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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