I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone shattered a urinal.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
