onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
