fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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