I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
