u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
