yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
