I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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