im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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