I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
