I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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