somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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