well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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