I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
