so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
