my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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