It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
