I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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