Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize