I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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