Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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