i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize