i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
