did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
