Barsexuality is the new black.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
