i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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