omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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