Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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