I am midnight drunk by noon
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
