All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
