i jhust puked up my retainher.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
birth control should be required to get into college
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
