I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
