I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
