I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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