my shit smells like andre
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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