Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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