I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
