so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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