In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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