Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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