My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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