That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
