I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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