So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
