dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
