i jhust puked up my retainher.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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