If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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