Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
