I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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