it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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