Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she looked like the before picture.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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