You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You pole danced in your parka.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
