Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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