I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
