He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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