Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I need to align my fucking chakras
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
